This is something I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to do, but usually fail. I have had a habitual reflex to say yes to people because I’ve always felt saying no would be letting someone down. Well it took losing someone very close to me to realise that sometimes you do just have to dig those heels into the ground and (politely) decline the request.
The so-called friend who is always happy to take but is absent whenever you’re needed. The family member who always ‘needs a bit of cash’ to see them through the month. When work is short-staffed because everyone’s got man flu. Admittedly, I’ve struggled to say no on many occasions (and still do – probably out of fear, karma will bite me in the rear down the line) but I’ve learned.
You MUST ask yourself this: “If I say yes, how will I be affected?”
Burnout
If you’re running around for everyone else all of the time as well as trying to get on with the madness in your own life you will crash. Think, a car with no brakes going downhill – the end result is not going to be pretty.
Time
We all live busy lives so your ‘free time’ is especially precious. When it comes to someone asking for help with something that consumes that haven of tranquillity you’ve been waiting for all week – an event, a lift to pick something/someone up etc – stop! Ask, is there someone else who could step in instead? This also applies to work requests.
Money
It doesn’t matter whether it’s a fiver, £500 or more. Lending money to friends/family/colleagues can (and often does) end up messy – especially when it spirals. This walking bank would very much like to shut down – soon please! So my advice is don’t open that bank in the first place. Just explain it’s not about not trusting the person to pay it back, you just don’t want to change the nature of your relationship with that person. Instead, perhaps help them to look at the options available.
Loved ones
These ones are probably the hardest to say no to. Should I really spend two hours ironing his shirts when he doesn’t lift a finger? Should I really spend the weekend shopping with my sister when I have a backload of work to catch up with? Mum needs my time but I need to work on my schedule for next week. Learn to say NO, however also learn how to have a balance because your loved ones won’t always be there.
Saying no isn’t always easy – if you’re like me, guilt tends to set in. So for a day, week, or just an hour, banish guilt from the process. Trust me, it’s like breathing in clean, fresh mountain air. And it’s healthy!
Ah! Thank for this! Especially the last one. So, I grind my teeth at night and lost my mouth guard. My bf literally kicked me out of bed because it wakes him up, yet he’ll wake up with a sore back and of course I massage it. Then he started school this week (for mechanics) and he hasn’t helped clean at all since then! I ask for bare minimums, too, like “unload the dishwasher” or “take out the trash” and it’s really getting to me. I’m a full time medical student and manage to clean, cook, etc. He’s had his clean laundry chilling in a basket for almost two weeks now and I told him if he didn’t fold it, I wouldn’t be washing his clothes anymore. I think you convinced me to hold my guns on this one! (Sorry for the rant, it’s just really frustrating me.)
We totally know how you feel 🙂 Sometimes a no gives the person a good kick into shape and they start doing what they ought to! Glad you got that of your chest, a rant is needed every now and then!